It’s been more than a month since the training started and so far I had the opportunity to meet all kinds of people and hear all kinds of stories. The site where I am having my clinical practice is NYU Lutheran Medical Center in Brooklyn, NY. I have decided to do a CPE unit due to my own struggles with the suffering and death as part of human life, as well as to get some sort of an insight of where is God in all of it. From what I’ve heard and seen so far – 90% of patients in the hospital struggle with the same questions. Where is God when they suffer? Why do they have to suffer? Where is his justice and fairness, because they are sure they didn’t deserve to suffer this much. It’s so hard to go through the suffering when we don’t see the meaning of it. And so many times – we don’t. Feelings of loneliness and isolation in situations like this can be even more intensive than usual.

As chaplains, we don’t have the answers to these questions. But, what we can do is – acknowledge their pain, suffering and struggle they are going through. It’s not easy to lay in the hospital bed all day wondering how will your health impact the rest of your life and the life of your loved ones. There are patients who lost their limbs, had stroke and can’t speak or move, there are patients who can’t take care of themselves anymore. It’s devastating to realize that they are losing their independence and there’s noting they can do about it. How not to be angry at God at that point?

My theory is – it’s OK to be angry with God. During one of my internships in USA in past years, one lady that lost her 10 year-old son to leukemia, said: “I was angry at God! I was furious. Why did he had to take my boy? But, you know what? I knew I could pour my anger on God. Because His shoulders are wide enough to take it and carry it!”

This was a life-changing statement for me. Yes, it’s OK to be angry with God and it’s OK to tell Him that, question His methods and ask Him: Why me??? He can handle it. Even though He may appear silent when we suffer, He’s there. No matter how alone we feel – we’re not. And it’s important to know that. When I think about it, I very often turn to Psalm 13:

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have prevailed”; my foes will rejoice because I am shaken. But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”

How long? Where are you when I suffer? – These are questions the psalmist pours to God. He demands answers from God. He had enough suffering already. He argues with God. And that’s OK. At the end, he knows that He’s not there alone, that God is still with him even when he suffers.

There’s so much going on in patients life except the illness they have and many times there’s nobody there to acknowledge their pain. Which makes things even harder for them. That’s when we can step in and listen. Just sit there and listen while they pour their hearts to us. We do not take their pain away or fix things. We just sit in their darkness, so that for at least for an hour – they are not alone there. And sometimes, that’s all that matters – that somebody cares enough to sit there with them.

And for me, it’s an honor to be a part of somebody’s most difficult time of their life, when nobody else can be there for them. Because, that’s when they need the presence of another person the most. Presence – at the end that’s all that it takes.